My other post, The Five Date Rule has gotten very mixed reviews. I’ve been doing some mulling, and I think I owe you a Part 2. I’ll get to the mixed reviews in a bit, but let me get a running start.
Just a refresher, in case you haven’t read the original post –
The Five Date Rule says: Unless the person exhibits absolute deal breakers, you should give them five dates to figure out if there is a possibility of developing chemistry.
I also talk about having chemistry with someone and the fallacy of “You’ll Just Know”, but the practical application is The Five Date Rule. Part 1 was primarily autobiographical. I talked about my own experience dating Nate the Great, and how I sort of happened upon The Five Date Rule…okay, how my mom happened me onto it(?) Haha.
Dates 1-4 ranged from awkward to nice-but-forgettable. Date 5 was not altogether different in form – we went to a place, watched a thing, talked about some stuff, EXCEPT THAT, on Date 5, he sang me a song. This was no ordinary song. This was a Nate song. It went something like this: Me and Casie walking down the street do dah do dah do la de dah. I thought it was hilarious and endearing, and in that moment I knew I wanted to keep going on dates.
This is not the same thing as knowing that a person is “THE ONE” (that’s something else entirely). This is, “OK, I want to keep dating this person.” It took approximately 12 HOURS together over a couple of weeks for me to even decide that dating Nate was probably an OK idea.
At this point, if you’re still reading, you might be thinking – that’s great for you, married blogger person. That’s great that you have this happy little ending where you found this amazing guy who sang you a funny song and turned you on, and you got married and had a kid blah blah blah. BUT HELLO, WHAT ABOUT ME? I AM STILL SINGLE OVER HERE!
Well, single person who doesn’t want to be single anymore? At the risk of oversimplifying a complex, very personal situation in your life, maybe you should start dating. Maybe you should start dating and following The Five Date Rule. This is usually the part where people start fidgeting nervously, rolling their eyes, and objecting. OK, to be fair, this is going to require some chutzpah, some gusto, and probably some out-of-your-comfort-zone venturing. I want to be up front with you, so let’s get it all out and take a look at some of these objections.
7 Objections to The Five Date Rule
1. What if I’m not attracted to them?
People usually get hotter (or nott-er?) the longer you know them. Let me just tell you, over the course of our relationship Nate’s attractiveness has gone from a “yeah, he’s ok looking” to “omg why am I even at Target when I could be in bed with you?” Attraction (usually) starts with the physical, because it’s the first thing you interact with. The more you get to know the other person, the more there is to be attracted to. Long story short, I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t “attracted to them” on a first date. Not a reason to quit.
2. What if it’s a bad first date?
Define “bad”. Like, he lost his temper at you, swore at you, or was checking out other girls bad? OK, yeah, no more dates for that guy – that falls under the “absolute deal breakers clause”. If you just mean bad like typical first date awkward bad? That’s what a first date usually is. Not a reason to quit.
3. What if it makes me uncomfortable?
It probably will. Not a reason to quit.
4. What if I’m scared?
You probably will be. Not a reason to quit.
5. What if I don’t like getting close to people?
Better get used to it. Not a reason to quit.
6. What if I don’t have time?
You have time. Not a reason to quit.
7. What if he doesn’t fit my preconceived notion of the perfect man?
You are not 8 years old. Not a reason to quit.
People. Relationships are HARD. They’re also incredibly rewarding, fulfilling, FUN, encouraging, and growth-inducing. This goes for any relationship. You might be scared of being vulnerable because you’ve dated a dirt-bag and gotten hurt. You might be worried it’ll be a waste of your time to go on five dates, and you’ll just end up back where you were before. You might have standards that no actual human being can live up to.
Confession time here, I dated great guys, am married to a great guy, and I STILL HATE BEING VULNERABLE. Sometimes being married makes me uncomfortable because I don’t know how to handle a situation or we don’t agree or sometimes I have weird preconceived notions of how things should be. Sometimes Nate the Great, one of the best and most gracious men I have ever met, hurts me.
The question really is, then, is it worth it? Is being uncomfortable worth it? Is dealing with your insecurity and fear worth it? Is being hurt worth it? Is the hard work worth it? In a word, HECKYES.
The Five Date Rule is not some means to an end to get yourself married. The Five Date Rule is about taking yourself and your desires seriously. It’s about challenging your preconceived ideas attached to dating and maybe challenging yourself to deal with some fears and insecurities.
[Because they don’t just magically disappear when you get married!]
So, the mixed reviews I mentioned earlier?
The married people said – YES, THIS IS SPOT ON.
The single people said – THIS IS CRAZY AND HARD, AND I DON’T LIKE IT.
They’re both right.
I will leave you with some words from my very favorite author – C.S. Lewis, who knew a thing or two about love.
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
Love ya, mean it,